the start of my novel(a work in progress)

Chapter 1

Starting a story is never easy, especially when you already know the ending. Luckily for you, unless you flip to the last page, you won’t know the ending until you read it for yourself. The reason I say this about not being easy though is, well, you give your time into getting to know the characters and at any moment they could be whisked away and you’d be without someone you grew attached to. Or in some cases someone you completely didn’t care for would disappear and things would get better. But I’m not you, so how would I know what you like in a story. My point is, in all aspects of our lives there is this uncertainty on whether or not something is there to stay. A subject that had young Calvin always worried about.
Calvin was born into this world by his mother, Samantha, who spent her life chasing bands, doing drugs and having sex with anyone whom she fancied. And as I’m sure you guessed it, Calvin is a bastard. Both definitions of the word in some cases, depends on who you ask. Living without a father wasn’t that bad in his case, he spent most of his childhood playing with his Gameboy and reading so the old throwing the ball around with his father wasn’t something that was particularly exciting. Even for his high school years Calvin enjoyed staying inside and making out with his latest girlfriend, or masturbating if a girlfriend wasn’t available.
Samantha would spend her days sitting on the couch smoking cigarette after cigarette watching endless crime dramas on TV. She wasn’t the most productive of mothers; she didn’t cook or clean, she’d only shop for food when she got her food stamps renewed or when she needed cigarettes. To Calvin she was an embarrassment, and a great disappointment. And at times when he would get depressed because of his (lack of a) mother, he would often think of his father. A father he dreamed was far more successful in life and didn’t stay on the same drug and alcohol infested path his mother did. It was at those times he wished for a better life.
The thought of leaving home was something that Calvin always thought of. His deadbeat mother who lived off of food stamps and disability wasn’t much of a role model, so staying at home wasn’t good for his long term goals. College wasn’t on his mind, he didn’t have to do well in school to do well in life. Calvin had a knack for computers, and thankfully that natural born talent and hobby of his landed him a job making four thousand dollars a month. His mother took as much as she could get from him. A pack of cigarettes here, some black velvet there, gas money, rent money, bill money, money, money, money. You can see why he would want to leave this all behind.
But something you don’t know about Calvin. He is very loving to what he does have in his life, which wasn’t much before his job. He had his mother, who while not supportive was still loved. There was Jacob, Calvin’s best friend since kindergarten. Also there was Charlie, Calvin’s girlfriend. Charlie was one of the most ferocious women you could ever meet. In essence, young Samantha at mind, body and soul. But that wasn’t why Calvin was so attracted to her. She was vastly intelligent. It didn’t matter what the subject was, she knew countless things about it. But not just that, she had this attitude about her in which it was her against the entire universe, and Calvin was a part of that. He dreamed that they would be together hopelessly for the rest of their lives, fighting through everything. He loved her.
Jacob was the type of guy who followed one person and based his personality solely on what they do. In this case that person was Calvin. This didn’t affect the friendship in any way, in fact it strengthened it due to the list of things they had in common. They were practically inseparable, except for the time that Calvin was with his girlfriend. Sometimes they would all be together, like on the nights they would all get together and play computer games together and drink beer after beer.
Calvin did on occasion have other friends besides Jacob, but they were not ones that he would mind losing. They were more of a temporary likeness that would make things different when he would feel cooped up or stale. Mostly these were coworkers that he would go out and have a drink with to put up some sort of image of himself when really he had no interest of being there in the first place. These were people that he had to see on a daily bases for work, but other than that occasion they were not pleasurable to be around.
Psychology is something that fascinates Calvin. Getting inside people’s heads and deducing how they were feeling or if they were lying or not. Or finding out what kind of person they are. This interest always led to premature judgment of everyone, and then a full breakdown of why he came up with his judgment. Charlie found it cruel, but it was hard denying him every time he was right about someone. It was more of a game to him, something to keep him from getting bored, his mental hobby of sorts.
Calvin feared rejection. And here is his what he most worries about. Loss to him was more than just getting over it. Everything he holds dear is a part of him. He had gone through bouts of depressive phases, self-harm, and severe anxiety every time he had a friend leave or a girlfriend break up with him. He grows attached to people far too quickly and takes a long time letting them go. Fortunately for him his mother is still alive, his best friend is still there and staying strong, and his girlfriend is loving and loyal (which you weren’t expecting).
Calvin is turning twenty four, and you have just spent some time getting to know him. While it hasn’t all been good it was still a learning experience. This is the beginning of the story I am going to tell you, starting on the night before his twenty forth birthday.



















Chapter 2

Sitting on his bed staring at his phone was not the way he wanted to spend the night before his birthday. A day that to him was nothing more than any day, but on this occasion all the people that he didn’t care about praised this day and wrote on his wall. He always hated Facebook, the pointless excess of his social life. He only kept it up because of his relationship status with Charlie, who didn’t want him to delete it solely for that reason. And then there was Jacob who would post random videos and posts intended for Calvin to see. It was things like this that made him hate the internet, but then he remembered he can get anything digital he wanted for free and that made him very happy.
But back to staring at his phone. That’s what life has become these days. Everyone has their face stuck in their phone, their fingers taping away sending text messages to one another. A feature that Calvin didn’t care for. He enjoyed the day’s way back when, when your friends had to call your house phone and ask for you. Back then you didn’t have the constant bother of your friend’s texting you. Those were the days when you didn’t have to shoot everyone down because you were with a friend, you had your parents to do that. A feature that Calvin did care for was sexting. The set of naked pictures he had just received from Charlie as an early birthday present were exquisite and reminded him how great technology is. And the female body, he thought that was really great.
This added present made sitting on his bed a little more relaxing, but the fact that he had everything packed up made him nervous. In the weeks prior to the present Calvin had made all of the preparations to moving out. He had an apartment all picked out, all the utilities turned on and squared away, bit by bit he moved things over there, only the things his mother bought him were left in the house. The only thing he had left to do was tell his mother, which made him sick to his stomach. He was so afraid of what she would say or what she would do. He didn’t want to get into a conflict with her, let alone have her feel like he was abandoning her. All she had was him, that and the cat. But he couldn’t take her manipulative ways any longer, it was already done he just needed to tell her.
The crisis now was finding out a way to tell his mother what he was doing. He pondered everything from faking his death to lying about going into the army. Calvin’s main problem was the fact that he didn’t like to lie. In his entire relationship with Charlie not once had he told her a lie. There wasn’t anything he had to lie about, even when she would ask him those tough to answer questions about being fat or looking pretty, he was brutally honest. And oddly enough all of his friends have appreciated this quality. His mom on the other hand hated this. She always assumed that Calvin was being a smart ass or being sarcastic. It’s like when someone accuses you of something that you didn’t do and you can’t help but smile or laugh, in turn incriminating yourself. It had to be done one way or another, he just wanted it to go smoothly.
The living room is where Samantha spent most of her time. The indent on the couch was irreversible now from the hours spent molding the cushion with her ass. She had a cigarette in her hand, and it was hard to find a time when she didn’t have one. It was so frequent that the smoke from the prior cigarette would still be floating around the room, even with a window open. Calvin understood it all though, the smoking, for he was a smoker for quite some time. When he turned sixteen it wasn’t long before alcohol and cigarettes became available through friends, even more accessible through his mother’s coffee table. But for the years sixteen to twenty three he smoked, and heavily at that. The last several months sprouted change and smoking happened to be one of the things cut from the bad habit list. That list also included pop, fast food, and the masturbation/porn addiction. That last duality unfortunately he wasn’t able to give up, and it really didn’t upset him that much.
“What do you want, shithead?” Samantha said exhaling smoke through her mouth and nose.
“I have to talk to you about something.” Calvin replied, immediately regretting stepping into his mother’s room.
“Yeah? What’s that? You’re finally moving out?”
Calvin could feel the room heating up and the sweat building up over his entire body. “Well…”
“Did you not think I wouldn’t notice that all your shit was gone out of your room? I’m not a fucking idiot Calvin. And I don’t need you here. You could have left years ago and it wouldn’t have bothered me.”
“You’re not mad?”
“Hell no. it’s about time you moved out and I got some damn privacy. I’m sick of you being here when you could have been in college. And all you do is bitch about everything I do. Get out. The sooner the better.”
She was right. Calvin did bitch often about his mother. Not only behind her back but directly to her face. He did it all with good intentions, wanting to see his mother in a better place and as a better person. But her arrogance wasn’t going to change and neither was her opinion on her son leaving. It was confusing for him. He didn’t seem to understand how someone who is so financially dependent of his money could survive without it. This was just another thing to worry about. But he didn’t have to worry about being rejected any more from his mother, it was made pretty damn clear.
It was easy for Calvin to walk out of that house after that conversation. There was a weight lifted from having the stress build up from breaking the news, but now he had the weight of her willingness to get rid of him. Frustrating as it all was he had to get out for there were much better things for him to be doing on this night.
His phone buzzed from a text message from Jacob, another invitation to hangout. This time Calvin replied, accepting said invitation. He would have denied if he could have spent the night with Charlie, but do to her working nights that option was unavailable. Regardless, this was a great opportunity to spend time listening to music during the drive to Jacob’s. He already knew the route that he would take and everything. It was a road where he retreated just to take a drive. A comforting drive, a comforting place and time to think.
It was chilly outside, a cool May night, just cold enough that Calvin regretted not grabbing a jacket. He could have easily turned around and ran back inside to grab one, but that would involve walking past his mother which he had no interest in doing. Not having a jacket wasn’t much of a problem, he’d be in the car for the duration of the trip and all he had to do was turn on the heat. Worrying though was something that he was good at, even if it is completely insignificant such as this.
The seat in his car was leather and that made him even colder. Another problem that is easily fixed, but this night was all about things getting on his nerves. Even the rate that Charlie was texting was irritating him. Sometimes silence for a while is a great thing. Getting a text message every minute or two gets to be distracting. Especially during this drive to Jacob’s house. It had to be uninterrupted to be enjoyable. While that would only be fifteen minutes, it was going to be the best and most silent fifteen minutes of his life. And by silent I mean socially silent, the music he would be playing would be as loud as he could stand it.
Upon starting his car, Calvin immediately plugged his phone into his car stereo and began scrolling through his music. Selecting a song wasn’t easy, as everyone knows when trying to relax to some music. It had to fit the mood, it had to be energetic, and it had to be perfect. Calvin would like to believe that “song A.D.D.” was an actual thing, for it was the only thing he would lose his concentration on. He could be listening to his favorite song and after a mere twenty seconds he’d change it to another song. And this process repeats itself over and over again until there is an acceptable song.
Shortly after he turned the car on he had a song playing. Now he was set on his goal of getting to his friend’s house. Windows rolled up due to the chill, heater on but only slightly, can of coke in the cup holder. It was at moments like these that Calvin wished he still smoked. There were plenty of random drives around town just to have a cigarette. It was relaxing and soothing, especially when he was as stressed out as he was on this night. But these were merely thoughts in and out of his head. He was glad with quitting smoking, because the second hand smoke made him sick, not to mention made his clothes smell filthy. Life was much better now, and it seemed like it was only going to get better.















Chapter 3

The drive down by the river was wonderful. He was going thirty five, which was the speed limit. He didn’t feel like speeding or going any slower, the limit was perfect for him. It was a road that he frequented, he knew every curve and every bump. There wasn’t anyone on the roads so Calvin could fully enjoy the trip, but tonight something seemed off. It wasn’t the quarrel with his mother, or the moving out; this was a different feeling. He felt that awkward gut feeling, like something bad was about to happen. These feelings came to him quite often, and never has this feeling steered him wrong. The feeling was so strong that he slowed down his car and turned down the music. The good vibe was gone.
He didn’t want this to affect him on his drive, this was supposed to be a fun night, something to relieve his stress. He took sip of his coke, and he began to look around him. This feeling could be nothing, but this very feeling had saved him from hitting a deer before. It could be anything, but with Calvin’s habits with worrying, anything sparks endless scenarios in his head. So his trip would be spent filled with breaking down the most likely things to happen, such as hitting a deer or having the car break down. Having the car break down brought more anxiety, being stranded in the dark on a road that most people don’t travel, let alone during the middle of the night.
Simple solutions helped with the worries. Mainly his cell phone. If there was ever an issue all he had to do was call Jacob. It would be a solution to almost any issue when stranded on a dark road.
Calvin knew this trip wasn’t going to be pleasant any longer. His mind was a curse.
The road was damp, and there was a slight bit of fog; a feature Calvin didn’t admire. In fact it made him clammy from the added anxiety. Another addition to his anxiety was the lack of street lamps. It was a dark road for miles until the road connected to the next town. And the moon was hidden behind clouds. Darkness was very prominent on this night.
It’s funny how the mind will bring up childhood fears when filled with anxiety. All Calvin could think about was the dark. Even the headlights from his car seemed to get dimmer and dimmer the more he thought about it. The darkness was surrounding him and he felt as weak as a child. It was at the point of panicking that his mind began to play tricks on him. Shapes and figures in the woods beside the road began to show up, and it was all he could focus on, even though they were only shadows from the headlights.
Calvin began to breathe heavier, causing his windows to fog up slightly. Just enough for his vision on the road to decrease, as well as the woods. It gave him a quick second of relief and time to pull himself together. Time to tell himself that it wasn’t real and that he was foolish. Taking in a deep breath he turned on his defroster to get rid of the foggy windows, then moved his hand to his lights. A quick flick of the switch and he turned on his brights, only to illuminate something in the road. Bring an immediate panic attack with it.
The lights shined directly onto a little girl standing directly in the middle of the road. Calvin slammed his foot on the brakes and swung the car to the left, but felt his car sliding right toward the girl. He watched as her expression was unchanged when the car inched closer, almost as if she was smiling. Overwhelmed with the situation, Calvin passed out the instant before the car hit the girl. Then his foot pulled up off the brake and the car idled to the left, toward the river.















Chapter 4

Calvin woke up to the feeling of his phone vibrating. The subtle buzzing was enough to get his attention.
He felt like he was falling, with his seatbelt holding him up. Once his eyes were open he could see that he was somewhat correct. His car was on its side, held up by the brush at the side of the road. That brush was the only thing keeping him from the fast moving river. Before he thought about the danger of the river, he thought about how bad the left side of his car was damaged. Even in the worst of situations he couldn’t help but worry about things, when clearly drowning seemed most likely. His mind is always in the wrong place at the wrong time, but for seemingly good reasons.
The tires on the car were still spinning but were not touching the ground. He could hear the engine revving, and the car shaking slightly. He knew he needed to turn off the car, unless he could pull a stunt right from a video game and get himself off his side by rocking back and forth. That was very unlikely so Calvin reached for the key and shut off the car. The engine went silent and after a minute the tires eventually slowed themselves down to a complete stop.
It was at this moment he wished for nothing more than a cigarette, and to be right side up. He was resting against his driver’s side door, pressed up on the cracked glass. His phone was vibrating still, that buzzing he could hear and feel all at the same time, even though he had no idea where it was. There was a faint light beneath him which was no doubt his phone, there wasn’t anything else that would be lit in his car. Problem was getting to the light.
Calvin wasn’t in any pain, he was a bit sore, but nothing serious. After he blacked out he had no idea what had happened. For all he knew it could have been a gentle crash, but his mind made him worry for the more extreme. It couldn’t have been too bad he thought, the air bags didn’t deploy so he mustn’t have been going very fast. He just kept telling himself it could be worse.
Focusing on the task at hand was hard. Anxiety and fear filled his mind. All he had to do was grab his phone, but it seemed like miles away. Not helping was the fact of the car slowly moving toward the river. The plant life at the side of the road may be overgrown, but it wasn’t going to stop a car from toppling over onto its back into the water. Calvin reacted and unbuckled his seatbelt. He didn’t move much, but his fidgeting moved the car a bit further down. His breathing increased, but he tried his best to remain focused. The phone was vibrating once again and from what he could tell it was beneath the seat. So digging his hand underneath, he clawed around patting for his phone.
It’s always hard to find something when it is all that you are looking for. Half the time it is right in front of you but you just don’t happen to see it. Or you get your hand right on it, but since you’re in a rush you don’t notice. Everything seemed to be against Calvin today, but he felt this way almost every day of his life. Call it the depression or just poor attitude towards life. He would just complain and call it his depression, and then he would wear it as a badge to make everyone sympathetic for him. But those were on his off days. He tends to be a confusing person from time to time. Back to the subject at hand, feeling the vibrating in his hand was what he needed. Pulling the phone out from under the seat and into his hand he saw Jacob had called several times, not to mention the few text messages from Charlie.
Calvin put his phone in his front pocket and ignored the constant vibration. Right now replying to Jacob wasn’t important. What was important was climbing out of the car and not being trapped in it so that he’d end up drowning. Getting out would be easy, he already turned the key in the ignition to run so that the power windows could have power. He rolled down his passenger side window and then pulled the keys back out of the ignition. Grabbing onto the passenger seat Calvin pulled himself up, and with a quick motion he hoisted himself up and out of the window.
While outside he could see that the right side of his car looked fine, he could only imagine how roughed up the left side was. It was a shame, Calvin loved his car, and it was like a brotherly bond. As upsetting as it was, there was something a bit more unsettling about this whole experience. The girl, the one in the road. He looked around, there was no sign of a body, no blood either. Filled with confusion Calvin ran over to the wreckage of his car and check for the girl. She wasn’t amidst the brush or beneath the car. There wasn’t any blood on the car as well, so all he could ask himself was “Where is she?”
Sitting down on the gravel beside the road Calvin began to think, then began to worry. What did this mean? He felt as if he could have hallucinated, or maybe he fell asleep behind the wheel and was dreaming that instance. He didn’t know where to let his mind rest, besides on the fact that his car was ruined, at least the left side was, not to mention all that was wrong underneath. He didn’t know what to do. His phone buzzed away in his pocket, clearly someone was concerned he wasn’t answering. It didn’t matter, he needed a few moments to himself before he’d answer any calls or text messages. He picked up some of the gravel and began to toss the stones of into the distance.
“Fuck.” Calvin murmured. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
He tightened his hands into fists and continued swearing. It was his birthday now, and what a great start it was.
In the distance he could hear the faint sound of a car, he couldn’t see the headlights yet, but it was a winding road. The worrying began again, what if it was a cop and they would think the worst? What if it was just some ordinary person and they see what happened but don’t stop? What if someone stops and it was irritating? All these questions he was asking himself and he could feel a headache coming on. That headache he couldn’t tell if it was from his stress or from the fact he was just in a car accident. It didn’t matter though, it was a headache and they’re equally as irritating regardless of how you get them.
He would find out soon enough about the headache and the car for the headlights were close, and unfortunately bright. The car was going fast, well over the speed limit. Calvin stood up so that he could make himself known by the car, he’d rather not get hit by a speeding car right after his car accident on his birthday. That seemed like overkill in the event it would happen. Luckily the car slowed and the buzzing in his pocket stopped. Whomever was in the car laid on the horn and swung of the road into the gravel. After sliding to a stop the car door opened and out came Jacob.
“Dude what the hell happened? Why haven’t you answered my calls?” Jacob spoke loudly, clearly concerned.
“Will you turn off your fucking brights asshole? Can’t you see you’re blinding me?”






Chapter 5

“Your car is fucked.” Jacob said, stating the obvious.
“Clearly. Figure we should call a tow truck or something right?” Calvin replies.
“We could, or we could try and pull it out with some tow straps, but I doubt my little car will have enough strength to pull it out of there.”
“Worth a shot, moving it will only cause more damage anyway, tow truck or on our own.”
“Sounds like a plan then.” Jacob says walking over to his trunk to pull out the tow straps.
Calvin could always count on Jacob to have his back in almost any situation, he was a loyal friend. It was times like these he was glad he at least had a few friends.
“So are you going to tell me what the hell you did?” Jacob asks.
Calvin could tell Jacob anything. Anytime anything happened they would share it with one another. From the latest girlfriend and how she performs in bed, all the way to how shitty work was. There wasn’t anything spared from conversation, but today he did not want to tell the truth. Regardless of him being a great friend, telling him that he may or may not have hit a little girl would only cause concern and possibly panic. You could imagine the worry going through Calvin’s head about now.
“There was a deer, I’m glad I missed it, but then I lost control of the car and went spinning off into the brush.” Calvin lied.
“Jesus man, are you sure you’re alright? You look fine, besides those few scratches.”
“I’m fine, really I am. Just a little sore, I’m sure I’ll feel it tomorrow, but it’s nothing that’s gonna stop me from enjoying my birthday.”
“Well you take it easy, I’ll hook these straps to your car, and you go sit for a few minutes.” Jacob insisted.
Sitting down is exactly what he did. His body ached from what he could imagine getting tossed around in the driver’s seat. His chest and left shoulder hurt the most, caused from what he assumed was the seatbelt. All that sounded good right now was a cold beer and a cigarette.
“Since it’s my birthday, you want to do me a favor and bum me a smoke?” Calvin pleaded. The want for a cigarette was too much to overcome, especially with this unneeded stress.
“Thought you quit?”
“I did, but can’t you see that right now I don’t give a fuck?”
“I can see that.” Jacob laughed as he walked over to Calvin handing him a cigarette from a newly opened pack. “I’m assuming you need a light too?”
Calvin inhaled and took in the smoke that he had missed so much. It was rough at first, just like when he started smoking all those years ago, but then it smoothed out and he felt that calming buzz. With every puff from the cigarette he could feel himself relaxing, and also he could feel the worry building. What if Charlie found out? What would she say? Would she be mad or would she be understanding? It all didn’t matter at the moment, it was just time to enjoy his long lost comfort.
While worrying about what Charlie would think, Calvin decided now was as good as a time as any to check his phone, which hadn’t buzzed for quite some time. Turning on the screen he saw the fourteen missed calls and eight text messages from Jacob, as well as two texts from Charlie. Seemingly not as bad as he thought it would be, it seemed as if the phone had never stopped buzzing.
“I miss you.” and “Happy birthday sweetie.” Were the two messages from Charlie. Apparently this whole crashing and having Jacob come to the rescue only spanned a little over an hour, so there wasn’t time for her to be worried. So Calvin replied, “I miss you too, thank you baby. Sorry for the late reply, had a bit of a car issue. Jacob is here to help so no biggie :)”
He slide his phone back into his pocket and looked at the remainder of his cigarette. It was enjoyable, but he only needed the one. The commitment to not smoking was important to him, and this one cigarette had a special reasoning for its necessity.

(More to come)